ZERO-NADA-ZILCH english

Here I am again, and I have nothing to say, nothing, zilch. I do not want to talk about all I have to do, my fatigue, my obligations. May the weight of my debts be lost in the midst of my dream-lit path. A smile comes to my mouth, like that of a naughty child who’s just eaten an ice cream cone (chocolate of course ... just to spoil his next least preferred dinner!). It's time to start to wander: "Gods of my laziness, I evoke you to come and get me." "Welcome to the kingdom of my mental leisure !!!" "May God have mercy on those thoughts which still dare to create a productive thinking roam in my brain!" I'm willing just to rest my soul and get away from everything, to seek mental perfection zero, ZERO, nothing, blank, empty, absent, did not come, missed, had to accompany her grandmother to the doctor ... etc ... ... ZERO! The ZERO is perfect, and therefore it is beauty, purity. I am, at least at present, a zero (on the left, or to the right, but to the right of what ??!!.... to the right of zero is always zero!) The space does not exist in universe of ZERO ... nor the time of ONE. CERO is the bravest number. ONE is less lonely, and though one sometimes feels as being something, it often is just barely a bit greater than zero. It is almost impossible, I realize now come to stand for a considerable time at that level of perfection, which is ZERO, because there is always something of ONE that refuses to be subjugated. Many will wonder "where the hell is this guy going with this, but I began by saying that" here I am and I have nothing to say "... I want to get lost in the infinity of the insignificant, and stop and be able to capture the small realities that die without being perceived because of their quality of ZERO. For example, some herbs that grow in the expansion joints of a curb on a quiet street in Maspeth, Queens, or the little posts that people place on either side of a plant, to support a new tree, so that it can grow properly, correctly, (correctly!!??.. . let’s say erect), nice and straight because of these wooden guides. Finally, as everything goes, including these guides there shall be a single tree standing erect, but ironically, even this tree will one day die or be cut through the mountains of the time, or (man-god). And who would even remember the poor wood tree-guides, where the ants use to walk, where the dogs urinated, marking their territory? On Saturday night it rained a lot, but who even remembers it?! It is ZERO ... The Clouds gathered out of nowhere and in a few minutes, lightning and thunder, two elements of the same entity, spectacular and deafening, revolution of the air to change the status quo of the wet day, of the hot and sticky day. I ran into my independently controlled environment, with no music, just breathing luggage. I was just a light more in the city. I was just a splendid ZERO, a being almost nonexistent in this world of ONEs. Heaven hasten the arrival of the night. The air had now that inexplicably beautiful smell of before the rain. The stage was set for the show from the rain, and the storm, which turned into night, or in what appeared to be a series of light and dark scenes in continuous movement, at a constant rate, proportional to the speed of my moving bubble. Thank you Gods for letting my sweet laziness savor the pleasure of these moments of existential emptiness. Thanks also to my power generators, who disconnected me from my moral creditors!! It was beautiful to be able to just feel only like a pair of eyes in the night, that witness the attenuating rain till it was just a trace of memory. The rain, then transformed the night, the reality, which had changed between ZERO and ONE immediately, so the heat was momentarily different. Even the silence was now different, it was not muted, but a series of low and shy mumbles. The last hours of the night were mixed into a dream of a new dawn and a new life, another day had started. From nothing (ZERO), came ONE, A new day. The old one is now past, only I remember it, (for now, until it also becomes again ZERO) representing me (?). Who needs conclusions?? Probably one (not !!!!) ZERO (8-14-90) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ZERO seems to be what it contains all the essence of everything, where all become infinite, although identifying the mathematics of infinite value to us, the finite, the ZERO is the closest thing to temporarily possess infinite. ZERO, we get the feeling of being part of the very essence of being, for white, or in absence, we can see the immensity of belonging to the infinitesimally small, insignificant. "All" comes from "nothing", for example us, morning and pass, etc .... Until the end comes out of nowhere, and goes to nowhere ... ..!!! Everything else is imagination ... .. The ONE constant weapon, fighting passionately at all levels to transcend conscious and subconscious (but beyond that ?.... envelope and that ??!!!). ???!!.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Let's try also now to analyze the need to invent or create the word transcend ... Of those who transcend through history, I think only those who did not try, they did indeed, but one deals with all forces. One death struggle through life and tries desperately to rid this horrible NOTHING that we soaked in our "SOUL". A NOTHING which come by chance, by chance, or goodness or necessity "and almighty God," or simply because the rule is that ZERO, ONE must descend and ascend again to zero or one, or something else , .... or not! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ That NOTHING that haunts us in our time of ONE. NOT ONE can relate. We fear because we can not identify this ZERO ... (not while we can not be pure in that condition more than a few seconds consciously !!!!) a boy and we are concerned to know when we will no longer exist, to be oneself. We come to haunt the uncertainty of our existence, so we are intrigued to know where we came from, who was my grandfather? His father .... His grandfather ... etc!? It seemed to me? That Vivian life? I like this fall into? I have an obligation to know? Because I do not remember anything else? Who would remember me? They will know who I am? Who went? I wanted? That feeling? He feared that he loved ???...?? Who was this ONE and because now it's just a scratch ... ACD 6-15-90

The three old ladies that walk in a Triangle

The three old ladies who walk in a triangle As I saw them again that afternoon, I knew I had to write about them. They definitely deserve a place in this my reality corner. I don’t quite know them, never did. I would not know who they are, who they were?? Quite some time has, indeed, passed form those days in the fall of the early 1992 in Flushing Meadows Park, and don’t know if they are still alive, but I will try to write about them as if it were now…. The first thought as I saw them was that of the song from Genesis called for Absent Friends, Sundays at six when they close both the gates A widowed pair, Still sitting there, Wonder if they're late for church And it's cold, so they fasten their coats And cross the grass, they're always last. Passing by the padlocked swings, The roundabout still turning,……… ……Looking back at days of four instead of two. Years seem so few (four instead of two). Heads bent in prayer For friends not there……….. They were Three, instead of two, and they were perhaps not that melancholic as in the song, but I immediately knew there was some sort of story somewhere there. Each of them had, or have had a life with families, jobs, ex-bosses, neighbors, friends. I tried to guess what their relationship was. Had they friends for a long time? Were they ex-schoolmates, Sunday school, Yeshiva School, college? Did they all attend the same Senior Citizen Center? Did they play cards together? Or where they just neighbors on the same apartment building? Well Let’s start assuming and assigning a story, a legend, a reality to these real people who inhabited my world. So, for this story, let’s call them (Ruth) No.1, (Judith) No.2 and (Rachel) No.3 who were neighbors and attended the same community center for Seniors. Let’s call it “The Samuel Levy’s Center of Forest Hills” where 1, 2 and 3 attended and were offered recreational activities as book clubs, had “chats” with friends, classes about diets, and healthcare, brainwork Sessions, painting, Movie matinee, Bingo, “Hot Topics, with Jake” get togethers, Cozy Corner pass times as knitting, needle-pointing and crocheting (Whatever these are!!), as well as folk dances with Honey Goldfein. Ruth, No.1 was a mid-height, short blondish hair. White and large floral print blouse over light gray short Bermuda pants and white snickers Judith, No.2 was the tallest of the group. With short white hair, lavender blouse over tan shorts and white snickers as well. She towers over her two companions. Rachel, No.3 was the shortest of the trio. With her curly dyed bright brown hair and giant sun glasses that were too big for her skinny face, she stands not taller than 5’-1” in her dark gray and white jump suit, as she scurries fast with her short legs to catch up with her companions They were very committed, as every afternoon at 5:00 PM on this park’s power-walk (relatively speaking) to stay fit and to stay well perhaps, but more importantly, to be together, or to do something to pass the time, one never knows. Judith and Ruth were talking about something as they passed and Rachel looked at me as if she knew me, and as if she knew or guessed what I was thinking and seeing….She smiled as immediately sensed or knew that I was really, really good seeing patterns……. PAST BACKGROUND Scenario ONE: Ruth had always had an ambivalent feeling about her relationship with Judith. Ever since they were young, not because of anything in particular that Judith had done, but because she felt both a deep love and jealousy for her friend. Judith was always the first to be invited to birthday parties, and other get together events, she was always the one that was asked out, no matter how many other girls were in the group, even when a new boy would appear on the scene, Judith was always the target of everyone’s affections or infatuations, and Ruth was not an exception to this. She had always been sort of in love with Judith, not necessarily in a sexual way, but in a way where she wished she was Judith’s only friend, or if she could be more like Judith, like a closer equal to her. Ruth loved her and would do anything for her, but she also wrestled with her demons about trying to trash in a way or to ruin in some way the perfection, “or her idea of”, that always seemed to be part of Judith’s life. It was not that Judith did not work hard for her achievements, not at all. She was even now going back to college at NYU to finish her masters, something that Ruth could not fathom doing at this stage in her life. But things always came to Judith in the first shot. Life always seemed to smile to Judith. Ruth on the other hand had not a difficult life by any means, but everything she got was not necessarily what she wanted, or how she wanted to be. If it was the right guy, or job, or opportunity, in her life, it was the wrong time, and vice versa. Judith and Ruth got along well though most of the time, just like any other good friendship. Ruth would hide her jealousy and camouflage it with either complements or jokes, bud deep inside she was adding a little stone to her emotional knapsack which she carried in silence. This all spoke more of Ruth’s shortcomings in terms of her self-esteem than of the reality of the situation, as Judith was really clear and transparent. You got what you saw with her. “Why do you always have to be an angel!?” Ruth would tell her all the time, “Judith, You don’t have a crooked bone in your body!!” Throughout childhood and early adulthood, they have been as they considered themselves, best friends. The other girls of the group, were a bit jealous of their friendship, except for Rachel, who was allowed in the inner sanctum of their relationship and as the third prong on an electrical cord, and like the ground may not seem terribly important it is a feature that could save one’s life, but does it always?! Rachel was quiet and smart. She was a genius in math and sciences, with a great ability to do mental figures, and as a young adult, with a new ability to see patterns. She was not a striking beauty like Judith, nor a traditionally good-looking girl like Ruth was, but she attractive in her own way, a nerdy way. She had no shortness of boys going after her, but they were not probably the ones considered “the hunks” that would go for Judith, and maybe for Ruth, but she did not care about them or about that, which made her even more attractive. One could almost say that she marched to the rhythm of her own drum. She never seemed to be down by anything, though she did not exude self- confidence, she was never bothered by whatever the outcome of things would be. Although not romantically, even “the hunks” would talk to her, or even be very friendly with her, perhaps because she had no apparent expectation of any romantic involvement with them. She was friend with mostly everyone, and even counted with Ronnie Berger as one close friend, perhaps because of their relationship through Judith at the beginning, but Ronnie really appreciated Rachel’s friendship and that together with Judith’s friendship carried a lot of weight in her school days as she was considered to be in the upper echelons of the group. ----------------------- Ruth always thought that she had a stronger personality who could deal with things head on, more than her friend could. Ruth was made of a different stuff. She had judgement in her, and was not as tolerant of things or people, and she was getting more so, she noticed, as the years were going by, but there is nothing you can do. You cannot fight your nature, she thought. She did not understand that perhaps, this was the reason why things did not ever come her way the way she wanted. It is incredible how forces, negative or positive, seem to always attract more of the same, and it is like he who does not like soup, gets two cups instead of one. -------------------------- Judith was smart, and always bubbly, and a maybe bit silly at times, but she was sweet, and she was caring. She was always the prettiest of all of the girls in the group. Since they were about 12 years old, boys were always salivating about her, particularly the more handsome boys like Ronnie Berger and his friends from school. If Judith ever knew or notice this, she never paid much attention to it. Judith was a natural beauty, one of those girls who is not into looking good, and never took her power over boys, or herself for that matter very seriously. She was a sweet caring person who would always look to help or support someone, particularly her friends and specially her best friend Ruth. Ruth had been pregnant with Judith’s husband’s child. It was a moment of craziness. Ruth always was the second choice to all the boys and it had felt good for once to be desired by Ronnie, someone who had not only picked Judith first, but someone whom she had married, and now this man wanted her more than he wanted Judith. For the first time she felt great, she felt more desirable than ever, more than her friend now and this had developed into a crazy secret “one off”, which rapidly became a secret affair, which suddenly terminated in Ruth’s pregnancy and the subsequent rupture of the affair, as a result of that pregnancy, followed by the untimely accident that would claim Ronnie’s young and promising life. Judith never knew who the father of Ruth’s child was, but she always felt drawn to that child. (There was something so familiar to him) Ronnie felt he had never done enough for himself. Two years after he had married Judith, he felt the same way, he thought he deserve better as he had always done what was expected of him. He had the looks, and mostly charming and this along had gotten him through life. He was smart even though he had not always applied it to the level that he knew he should have. He was supposed to be successful, and happy. Everyone knew that. He dated and married the best looking and sweetest girl in his circle, and mostly everyone envied him. They were like celebrities in their circle. He was trapped in this loop where he did not feel he was the cause of his life but he was more like the reaction, his actions needed to be the expectation of everyone single person in his life else expected his own. It was not that he did not have himself those self-expectations, but he just felt constricted and somewhat suffocated at this point of his life, knowing what was to come in terms of career, children, obligations, etc, which he wanted for himself, but he also wanted and just simply needed to create this little space for himself, an tinny island, with a life where he could go to, something like a personal weekend house, or a summer home where (just) he can spend some time away from the bustle and hustle of being Ronnie. And along came Ruth one drizzly grey late summer afternoon right outside the Museum of Natural History, as if by chance he saw her coming. “What are you doing here?” A supposed chanced encounter, a coffee, a chat, an unintentional smile, an intended concealed flirty statement, concealed in a self-deprecating statement, a complement dressed in a refusal to accept such self-deprecating comment from the other person, an immediate plan about attending an event in the upcoming week, Ruth had moved to W 81st and Columbus, Ronnie walked her home …. … Well. That’s how it always starts. That is how this started. He worked on W72nd Street and Broadway and would have to schlep himself back to Continental Ave. in Forest Hills every evening, back home. It was so easy to pass by W81t Street almost every evening to hang out in that little island that he had always imagined before he would go back to his daily kingdom!!! How nice and fine it felt!! The novelty became familiarity and then a true feeling. The rules and barriers in these situations are designed by fools who think they are fooling others instead of only themselves. When the sparks hit close to the volatile surface, ignition is imminent, and every fire is revived and engrossed by the things it burns, consuming everything it touches, heating it until it falls into the hot flame which it will feed, and when there could be no more fuel it will self-consume. “I am pregnant”, Ruth told Ronnie with a vibrant smile, concealed by the worry of how he was going to take it. He felt the air drained out of his lungs. He was filled with the anxiety and fear of knowing how to deal with this moment. “Should they go ahead with this? Should they terminate this pregnancy? Should they take a time off to think? “ “What is the right thing??!”” He always had to and had done “the right thing”. All of the sudden the little paradise island that they had manufactured by them, his safe heaven had become annexed to his “Quotidian-Kingdome”, has become part of all that which was expected of him. Well, he will have to handle it, but how? How can he handle it without hurting anyone? That is the right thing to do. He loved Judith, he had made her his wife and he had expected a happy life together. She had no to blame in the situation he made for himself. She had been nothing but loving, understanding and helpful to give him his space, which he took and corrupted. It was not about what she had or had not done for him, but more of a what he did not have enough of in himself to be able to be fully happy about everything that life had given him. He knew he had been privileged to even having Judith in his life. She had everything and she was truly blessed. But she did not have him fully, regardless of the wedding vows he took. “I fucked it all up!!”, he said to himself. On the other hand, his relationship with Ruth had started originally like a circuit breaker. It had help him stop from burning himself in the beginning to end up as an inverter transformer that was now close to burning all the circuitry it touched. But in all fairness, she was not to blame either for his decisions or lack of. She had been mostly supportive of him, though she mainly wanted him for herself, in her life, and she often put pressure to move their relationship forwards, though not knowing how nor where to take it. Now she found herself as well in this mess, which he was sure she did not know what to do. She was expecting his child. Did she really wanted to have this baby? Would she have it removed? Should he suggest it? He knew it was not the right thing at this moment for any of them but how could he even suggest that to her? This was a royal mess. He felt bad for her as he intuited that deep down she probably would want to have this baby as he knew how she felt, but he also knew that she was also wrestling with her demons and her guilt. As we all know or should know, no good, free decision could come out of a place of guilt. It is always tainted by the feeling that deep down you’d rather have done something else. Guilt, like revenge never really pays off. But guilt, unnoticed or uncontrolled, can drive one to create situations that can mark our destiny forever. In an effort to think things well and over, Ronnie and Ruth stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks. At the same time Ronnie and Judith were going to spend a week at Cleves Point Village Condominium is Greenport Long Island, where they had rented a house by the beach to spend some time together resting by the beach. It had been more than 6 months that they had not done anything like this. She had been going back to school for her masters. He was working lots of overtime as he always did during and sometime after tax-season with all these new laws so it was the right thing to do together. Judith was going to go ahead the Friday during the day. Ronnie would follow on Saturday morning as he had a business dinner with these clients from out of town. Judith thought she should wait for him and go together on Saturday. Ronnie thought that it would be good if she went ahead and got things ready. Ronnie never made it to Greenport. As he was riding along the LIE right after the exit to Hauppauge, LI, a wheel came off of the left side of the rear of a freight truck riding at 70 miles an hour, it hit Ronnie’s windshield as he was riding at 80 miles an hour causing Ronnie to step on the breaks, and being rammed through a 4x4 causing his car to flip by and to exit his life and this world in an unexpected way. -------------------------- Judith was distraught. Her life went from being the Queen of the Prom, to being the most pitied person in the group. She went through a period of a couple of years of depression. She took a sabbatical from school and she moved back to her parent’s house in Queens. She did not leave the house in about 6 months and lost touch with most of her friends who stopped calling from a daily basis to silence. Her grieving went through the different stages until the pain became bearable and she could slowly start rebuilding her life, finishing her master and reconnecting with some of the people she knew and some other new people that came into her life. -------------------------- Ruth heard about Ronnie’s accident almost immediately as the news travelled really fast among all the friends and acquaintances. Her first reaction was to call Judith, but she did not know what to say. She was angry, she was really pissed at God, at her whole life, at everyone, and particularly to Ronnie, and by default, to Judith. But Why? Why did she feel angry at Judith? She was mourning the loss of her husband, like she herself was mourning the loss of the father of her child, and possibly her potential companion for the rest of her days. Neither of them knew what would have happened prior to Ronnie’s accident. Was Ronnie ready to leave Judith? Did he have the guts to make the decisions he needed to do to go for a new life with her? In their island, with their new baby? Creating a new life and a new world for themselves? She thought so, but she also feared that Judith had a hold on Ronnie that was almost unbreakable. This was the cause for her anger towards Judith. She could not help it. She had distanced herself from Judith during the last year, mostly because of guilt but also because of her not wanting to have to lie to her with the excuse that she had moved into Manhattan, and Judith was still in Forest Hills, and that Judith was still in school and the schedules never lined up. But now she was pregnant and she would have to tell her someday about it, not necessarily about the truth of the parenting of the baby, but that she was pregnant. She also knew that Judith was a wonderful human being and that she would always have her love and support, well perhaps not if she knew the whole truth. So, she decided her secret would go to her grave as Ronnie had gone to his, but she would have this baby and all that represented to her. She loved the father of this new soul and she had nothing to apologize for this. Her feelings were maybe not totally pure but strong. -------------------------- Rachel did not need to hear about the accident, as she saw the accident as she was driving in her car a few hundred feet behind that of Ronnie’s when the tragedy occurred. In fact, they had just left each other at the door of a Giordano’s of in Hauppauge, LI. With no one else to open-up about his troubles, Ronnie turned to Rachel, whom he thought could help him put things in perspective. “Thanks for meeting me” Said Ronnie “Not a problem. It is just a few blocks from my office anyway and I love the Cheese Ravioli that they make here. They are knee bending”. After a back and forth of light banter and generalities, Rachel asked: “So you are way deep in shit right now aren’t you?” She was apparently really good at seeing not only geometric patterns but also behavioral patterns. “what do you mean? What do you know?” “You’ve spoken to Ruth, what do you know?” “I am not sure I know all the details but you probably went past the point of no return, right? “Oh Rachel!! I am so devastated, I really fucked everything up. It was not my intention and I do not know how it all ended up like this. I thought I could control things, that I could stop them before they got out of control. It all started from a moment of weakness, my weakness. I’ve always been able to stop things, it was always a bit of a game. This time though I felt how Adam must have felt in paradise, having everything, he just wanted that apple that he could not have, that fucking apple that he always knew that he could have if he wanted her. I always seen how Ruth looked at me. Her gaze will over extend that extra split second, that extra tiny moment which is long enough for you to read a book on the subject. I knew that this could happen but I was counting on my and her restrain, and in the thought of Judith, whom we both love, but that restrained never happened, it never showed up. I was happy and excited that I can still pickup and conquer someone at will. My ego was flying really high, as my assumptions had been confirmed, as I knew I was right about hi she had fantasized about me all this time. This felt good, and also new in a way. I had thought about it but Judith’s image came to me, and I would evaluate in the back of my head whom I would rather have and the answer was always Judith as it has always been.” “So what happened this time that was different than other times and other people” Asked Rachel. “ It started perhaps the same way as it always starts, but somehow, I saw some vulnerability in Ruth, beyond that strong persona, beyond that capable and driven person that was asking for help, for her soul to be touched in a way that she had not been before. She seemed defenseless, and lost, as if she had always been waiting for me”. I know that she always loved me, truly loved me, and I was not he apple like she was mine, I was her objective, something that would totally bring peace, and maybe validation to her existence.” “yes what started as a game on my part never had a chance as such. It immediately turned into a burning need, sort of familial, to be together and be together.” “And then?” Asked Rachel. “And then there was Judith” She would pop in and out of this relationship, punctuating our moments of lust, and tenderness, with a sign of guilt. The guilt of doing something terrible to the person in the planet that would deserve it the least, to the one that would probably even comprehend what was happening to me, to me, to Ruth, to all of us”. “I thought of Judith, and of Judith’s role in this as well, because in any relationship there are multiple parts and multiple amounts of responsibility for the actions and decisions made, or not made.” “How can Judith have any blame on this? Rachel asked about her friend. “I can see that if there was something not working in your relationship, if you have been together since you were young, maybe too young, if there was something that you have brought up and she refused to address, or help you with, if you have stopped loving her and you needed a break, you told her, and that she was in the loop and not done something to make this work, then I could see it, but..” “It is not something that linear or plain to see” Ronnie said. “Judith is perfect, her life maybe not in her eyes, but in the eyes of other people is perfect as well, and she expects that same perfection from you. She cannot understand why you would not or could not expect that perfection from yourself. She sets that bar so damn high that it is almost impossible to do, as it is to not do what she expects from you.” He thought a second and then he said:” And you do it, or you try to do it most of the time, because she is such a perfect being that you cannot and do not want to have her disappointed at you, on more importantly, at herself, for having a too high, or too unrealistic expectation from you” She couldn’t understand it, because she would always only function at a 100% no less“. This is the world of perfection that we lived in, the one people don’t know about but that they idealize as they envy her. And even Ruth, I think, who knew this and she knew Judith too well, even she envied her, somehow “. Living with her, with the pressure of always being perfect for her is a very tall order, I found in the worst way”. “So what’s the story, is Ruth pregnant or something?” Rachel guessed. “It is incredible that you don’t miss much!”. “ Is it that evident that we were even seeing each other?? And that What gave you the clue that she is pregnant? Do you think anyone else knows? Do you think that Judith knows or suspects it?” Ronnie said in panic. “I don’t think it was too obvious, but I could notice a change in Ruth these last six months and particularly these last two months. She has a more open attitude. I don’t know, she has a little bounce on her step. She even asked me to meet her for lunch just the two of us, or to grab dinner together for the last couple of weeks. She would never have asked me alone without asking Judith as well. I figure something was up, and it just made sense to me. I also always knew in a way how she felt about you. I imagine only how she would feel knowing that you and Judith have always been an item. I felt bad for her, but I feel worse for Judith. She does not deserve the pain she will be inflicted by all this!”. And like that, Ronnie felt like the rest of his world had also just fully collapsed. Like the last piece of ice of an iceberg melting in a warm see water. He was not sure what he was expecting to hear from Rachel, that he did not actually hear but his mood changed. He felt a deep pain in his heart, and he felt his stomach tightening and closing up. Fortunately, the check came and it was time to go. He knew he had to talk to Judith. He knew the kind of pain he would inflict to Judith. He did not know if he could live with the outcome of a conversation with Judith. He could not see into her eyes the disappointment and heartache that this would cause her. A little too late in the game for thinking this way but if he couldn’t help having this late remorse attack. On the other side in his head, the image of Ruth came out to his mind. He remembered the happiness of being with her at first, then he saw her crying as he tried to console her, and he also saw her holding her baby and smiling, his baby. He never imagined himself in this situation, but he had to face the facts. He knew that he loved Ruth in some way, but was not really, really sure if he ever thought he wanted to make a life with her. Although he knew her since middle school, he had known her as a lover, not really known her enough as a partner, or as the person whom he would be with, and for whom he would leave everything that he had to start a new life. How compatible were they anyway? From all the passion and everything else that framed their love affair, to be expecting this baby now, what was to be his cradle of peace and understanding it now seemed like a wood burning oven where there was not air for his lungs. Even if he could leave Judith, how would it all be? He would have to leave everything and everyone behind and start anew with his baby. There were no right decisions to be made. He would hurt either one of them and the baby? And what about the baby? How did he really feel himself about this? He knew that the thought of having a baby was a wonderful thing, but in having this baby, he felt that he did not have the proper divine authorization to enjoy that wonderful feeling. It was as if this baby had been cursed with the feeling of guilt. What would be of this baby’s life if he was already condemning him to feeling guilty for existing and for undoing his father’s life? “Ronn, are you OK?” Asked her Rachel. He glazed over her and said: “Yes, there is a little thinking and a lot to come clear with” “Bye Rachel, thanks for listening” And he walked out into the parking lot. Rachel followed a stem behind him as she always seemed to be catching up wit people. “Bye Ronnie. I feel bad for you. I hope you get the strength to do what is best for everyone” and he left. She had a very bad feeling forming in the back of her mind. She felt that something was not right and wanted to stop Ronnie and talk to him a bit more, and try to calm him and reassure him if possible that things have a way to fall into place, that no matter how complicated things appear, there is always a spiritual string that God or who knows who, can pull. What the hell was wrong with her? She could have been more compassionate with him, with his situation. He was suffering and in essence, he was carrying the weight of the world in his back at this right moment. she had missed the opportunity and wanted to stop him, but he just took off in his car fast out of the parking lot. She tried running into her car and follow him, and she did, but she was not as fast or as good a driver to reach him but she would try to reach him and beep her horn and have him pull over and stop and talk a bit more, to tell him that it is OK, that nothing in this world is more important than being alive. That everything has purpose. That their lives is so much richer just because he was around them. then she did not Scenario TWO Ruth has always taken especial good care of Judith, ever since they were young, not because Judith needed it, but because she felt some sort of a moral obligation to do so. Ruth always thought that she had a stronger personality who could deal with things head on, more than her friend could, so she always took a protective attitude towards Judith (TO BE CONTINUED) ACD 10/25/22

The Swinging Pendulum

This is the oath to the Movement Life’ Flow. Swing and Swung. I Fluctuated, Oscillated Rocked and Rolled. I climbed and Jumped and twisted I Flapped, I Waivered and Stopped. I have Alternated, Undulated I Wagged, and See Sawed in the playground of life. I Ebbed and Flowed in and out of Fashion, Repeating it all through our Human History. I do Swing, and I have Swung I have Subsided and Retrieved I Swayed from A through Z, Moving in between the Alpha and the Omega I can’t stop moving As I am propelled by this thing called Time Like from Adam back or the big bang Marking and engraving each second and minute even in the vowels of the Big Ben. (In Progress) ACD 11-19-90 IDEA 10-21-22 Recap

From Captain Scarlet, to Captain Black, to The Lost Angel.

From Captain Scarlet, to Captain Black, to The Lost Angel. They called it "retrometabolism", the power that they possess of partial control over matter, and using this power of "reversing matter" to rebuild themselves, their bodies, their reality as facsimiles in any which way they desired. So, if they lose an arm or other limb, they could regrow it. If their blood poured out of a gush in their bodies, in their arteries, it would regenerate immediately, the precious red life liquid with new white and red cells to bring back the needed life-liquid. How wonderful it must be! How great it may feel to know no limits, to exist as an ever-soring entity, as a lung that is always inhaling and growing!! How much and how easily can one face every aspect of life having the certainty that there will be nothing that would fully and completely hurt us, no negative consequence that would signify our pain and our demise!?! In this reality there is no pain, only slight discomfort, and more importantly, no real worries. How would the world look to you under these parameters? What would you do, if you could live this way? What would be your life about?? ….Your quest, your purpose…? How much danger would you mind facing if you knew that nothing really could kill you?? You can probably be a hero….or a Superhero, “Superyou”!!! You could throw yourself under a train to save a baby, a woman, and old man, knowing that you are not really in any real danger. It would be awesome!! The world would continue this way for ever. Wow…How Happy you could be!!! But one day after you saved your 148th victim, and after you have tried all the righteous and self-righteous and glorifying experiences, you started to feel strange. This uncomfortable feeling started slowly to gain control of your stomach, your esophagus, your throat. You could not identify the cause or understand the reason, and more importantly, you could not regenerate this feeling as you could regrow your limb. This was not under your control. It was not covered by the laws of "retrometabolism". So would you do? What can anybody do?? The first thing would be perhaps to start to worry slightly and try to better understand this feeling. But you cannot. It has been a while since you have no need to resort to worrying. It is almost out of your new understanding, your new indestructible reality. But quickly, like an ancestral bodily reflex, the worry and then the anguish start taking control over you. These feelings did resurrect to challenge your indestructible nature. A bit confused, a bit shaken, you now regain your control. You think to yourself: “It is only a feeling. It is all OK. I am still indestructible” Your next step then is to concentrate on your present. “Yes, stay present, that is the solution, insn’t it?!” You survey your life. You see how many great things are there, how the world is all there just for you. You are immortal. You will always be!! This was no news for you, and you always thought this was just the greatest thing that any human can wish for. To exist and transcend the hours, the days the years, (the centuries??!!) Presented with this thought now at this particular time when you are being tormented by this same immortality, which we all desire, which we all have all craved since the birth of the first mortal individual, whoever the terrestrial ADAM was!! Well, now immortality is no longer a vehicle of freedom for you, but a prison. You are condemned to “perpetual life”, a real “life sentence”. You see the seasons pass, the leaves get born, become green and thrive, become brown and die, falling back to earth, to source, (The mother of life!!??). You’ve seen your family pass, your friends depart this realm, their mass is now back to dust. And there you stand, “Superyou”, no cape or spandex custom, no mask, no shield, no covering of any form is necessary any longer. You are standing there the way you were made and remade by the “retrometabolic God” who needed company, a pal, a friend with whom to talk, to share this power, this feeling, this responsibility. He did not want to go through this alone. You now understand it. It is all now very clear. You are nothing but a system, you are still a creation, not a creator, created simply to be a companion to that same God who must have felt lonely one day and said “What the fuck, let me make this guy retrometabolic”. You now see it. You are now pissed off. You will now rebel. Why do you need to be a hero, a superhero? Why do you need to save people, especially if that Creator keeps putting them in harm’s way?! No, you will now be just the opposite. You will use your powers to fight this God. You will go against his wishes. You will make and prove your point. What is he going to do? You are immortal, like him. He made you this way. Watch out world!! This is the new me. If you see me, you’d better get out of my way, or you will pay the consequences for my wrath. Go on complaining about your poor little lives full of challenges and pain. You cannot even fathom what real pain is, and what is more, you don’t know how that pain feels knowing that is eternally attached to you…. (Guess my name!!!) ACD 10/20/22

Those Blue Coats

I love the winter. I love those blonde hairs… Lazily fall on top of those black or indigo blue coats I love to guess how long Those red noses take To be warmed up by a kiss…. (To be continued) ACD 12-23-92

2007 Answers

2007 Answers….. What do you enjoy in life? Anything that would give me wisdom, or make me laugh. Describe a fantasy where you would find yourself? I walked into a room, a room full of mirrors. There were big mirrors of different shapes all arranged in a circular manner. All these mirrors offered a different view of me. I looked at myself, or at one of the images of myself, and as I looked, I noticed that every other one was looking at me, something like when you hit someone and as if by a miracle, it hurts you. What Turns you on? Laughter...Humor...Peace........Life What do you think you would want to reincarnate as…? I am done reincarnating.....Next time I am staying there at Nirvana!! Travel or Time Travel? Travel...and if Time were no object....Then Time Travel... Apple or PC?? PC.....But who cares, what's all the fuss about??!! Bands you like these days? Radiohead...Chili Peppers....Soundgarden...Pumpkins Spices you like?? Thyme Rosemary Sage and Parsley...in that order.... Biggest Fear?? Be trapped in an elevator with an insurance salesman Last Song in your head?? Cherub Rock ....The Smashing Pumpkins Favorite Villains?? Seinfeld's Newman .......George Wickham and Catherine De Bourgh Deadly Tur-ons?? Certainty..and a killer smile...ah!..a british accent and 5 inch heels, Girl in a man’s shirt and socks only! What do you look in a Candidate?? The opposite of what McCain would do....!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Name of your Imaginary Friend?? Never had one...I was too busy with my multiple personalities What do you hate the most?? Nuclear and conventional bombs and missiles.... and the use of "LOL" and the use of emojis What turns you off in yourself?? Weaknessessss Best Guy you ever met?? My Dad Best Pet Name?? Honey Pet What makes you smile?? Thinking about a beautiful girl Spas or Saunas?? None...hate to hang out with other naked men...What's with that??! Favorite clothes?? None, I’d drape myself in fig leaves....if it was socially accepted!! Favorite modern artists?? Gerhard Richter.... Gian Vanni Favorite Summer Olympic event? Nose hair removing What scares you? to dream that I am awake, and as I am dreaming, I awake Sport I gave up on is? Underwater Wrestling Words you use to sound smart? Hey.... yo!!!! If you could choose immortality, would you do it? I am.....We are.... What's in your pocket? Good follow up question to the immortality!!!!!!!!!!!!! My five-word epitaph? Thaaaaaat Son of a bitch!!!! What natural gift would you most like to possess? More gifts???!!! Impossible..!!!!! Risotto or Rice-A-Roni? George: You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. You have a very contented air over there. You look very contented, very satisfied. Are you satisfied? Karen: I'm very satisfied. George: I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you? Karen: I probably would. But then again, I'm an enigma. George: Hey, listen, instead of the movie... Maybe we'll go back and, [chuckles], you know...Karen: Maybe. George: So, you feel okay about that whole thing, what we do in there? Generally okay with everything in there? Karen: Generally. George: Do you feel the way you feel after the Risotto? Karen: No, I feel full after the Risotto. George: Yeah, full. I wish I had never……….. Too late for regrets Worst song ever? All the Billy Joel Crap...etc, etc....AHH and MIchael Bolton too...!! What is your nickname? Carlos Solomon. What's your favorite guilty pleasure band? Why do people need guilt?? The importance of being ______________ Well Cabernet or Merlot? Cabernet General Hospital or Young and the Restless? Ha Ha Ha... St. Bernard or Shih-Tzu? My yellow Lab Favorite news anchor of all time? You are running out of ideas!!! Your best physical attribute? For others to say Best place to get lost? MOMA Michael Stipe or Ted Nugent? The former with a Ted Nugent Shirt Can you keep a secret? Oh not another secret to keep...!!!!!!!!!! What is your favorite TV show? Actually none..!! Bury me with my ______ Morbid...!!!!!!!!!! Thong or Bikini? Bikini Who would you want to be trapped in the elevator with? Alicia Silverstone...No, no no..The elevator repairman...!!!! Language you'd like to learn? French (well) Marriage isn't a word, it's a ___________ wonderful thing that may happen to some very, very lucky people Between two evils, I always try _____________ The female one. What would you do if no one were looking? Pick my nose!! didn't I already answer this?? The difference between success and failure is ______Failure teaches you something. Though success is pretty damn good!! What was your worst job? Escort service for the rich and famous ladies in Montecarlo....Haha What buzz word drives you crazy? All of them...Hate them all Best insider tip for where you live? walk on....... breathe in the life of NYC What was your childhood obsession? why it seemed to smell like fart around my grade school teacher??! How do you like your chocolate? I like it very well indeeeeeeeeed...!!!! Oscar de la Renta or Oscar de la Hoya? Oscar Madison or Oscar my Doorman The difference between love and lust is: the time of the relationship...or the people involved.... My favorite cocktail is: Vodka Martini at Pravda (Christiana Vodka) Favorite Broadway musical? Hate Musicals in general, maybe Spamalot, 42nd St, or classic Gershwin What book would you re-read? Catcher in the Rye.....On the road.......The Way by Michael Berg What should world leaders do in 2008 to make the world a better place? Cut the crap....Focus on reality.....CARE...... I’ll stand in line for ___________ Everything I really need Favorite movie hero? Guido Anselmi....(8 1/2) You're a cereal – which one? one not for consumption If it were possible to clone a human, would you clone yourself? NO!! not a religious thing, We just should accept who and how we are What happens in Vegas, ___________ Never been in Vegas. Don't care much either What is your favorite virtue? My unique and incredible sense of modesty!!!!!!!!!!!! People confuse me with __________ My Alter Ego What's your theme song? I cannot be reduced to a single song Best place to meet new friends? In your heart History is written by a very boring guy The good, the bad and the ________________ t he mediocre My biggest regret.... Let me think!! What sound or noise do you hate? Loud people on cell phone, on elevators, on movies, on the subway Golf Cart or Walking? Walking All time favorite TV show? So far Seinfeld Favorite type of storm? Brainstorm What is your present state of mind? Curious about this thing Underrated public figure? The guy that holds the Pope's cape and hat Favorite poet? Neruda, Benedetti, Dylan, D Thomas, Lennon, If not yourself, who would you be? I guess a truly wise person...like Jesus, Solomon, One of those guys, But Jesus was crucified, so maybe Solomon had a better life! What's your recurring dream? I am the moon and I appear every 28 days What’s your favorite underappreciated word? Who has one of those?? What do you value most in a friend? Love, understanding, Truth in that order Electric or unplugged? Strawberry or chocolate?? What's your dream car? Volvo P1800 My first word was probably... Ouch!! I'm allergic to… Shell fish, Aspirines, dust mites, pollen, Republicans In a movie about your life, who would play you? A good unemployed actor..... Last time you had a good cry? When my mom died! Pabst Blue Ribbon or Milwaukee’s Best?....????? What??? I hate IPAs. Best solo vacation spot? As of now, I don't thing I would go solo on a vacation What quality do you most admire in a woman? Intelligence, Warmth, Kindness, Soft skin, beautiful smile, deep eyes, Dynasty or Dallas? Oh Please! What was the last book you read? A new earth Youtube or boob tube? The former Tin can telephone or Treo? What? Which animal symbolizes you? Don't know. I don't want to offend any one of them Fashion trends you wish you'd skipped? The whole 1980's Cats or dogs? Dogs at home...Big cats in the wild...!!!!!!!!!!! Would you rather be lucky or smart? luckily, I am smart ___________ makes the world go round……… Gravity I can resist everything except_____________ a pretty woman's true smile When no one’s looking I... Pick my nose A job you'd never want to try Dentist for lions All time favorite album? Led Zeppelin II If you could time travel, where would you go? Good question! What sport do you still play?, swimming (if you consider this a sport.) Favorite takeout food Chipotle What's the last thing you lost? Gray matter Which trait do you hope you don’t pass to your kids? Allergies Can men and women really just be friends? I doubted it for a long time, but I think so. Define Friend?? Free (all expense paid) trip to anywhere...where do you go? with the price of the Euro, all of Europe My 15 minutes of fame were... Waiting for it What do you do to make the world a better place? Give from yourself till it is uncomfortable, then give a little more Take the money and ______________ Have a good time Childhood hero? John Lennon Which Animal House character are you? None Celebrity crush? Alicia Silverstone What quality do you most admire in a man? True Humility and true faith I brake for _______ to avoid accidents A penny saved is __________ Nothing nowadays My second favorite household chore is____________ Ha HA Ha What is your principal defect? Ego hurts when criticized in public. Working on it Tony Soprano or Michael Corleone? Michael Corleone....Leaves more to the imagination Least favorite saying? Don't like saying it Which super power do you wish you had? None. Like to face challenges like me and you. Bill or Hillary? Bill and Hillary Us Weekly or People Magazine? The New Yorker When you go to a party and someone says, "What do you do?", what do you say? I say the truth What's your favorite color? Always been blue, although I cannot imagine a world without red. Leno or Letterman? Letterman, although he is getting too old Favorite restaurant (add city)? Balthasar NYC Pardon my: Pardon me while I burst into flames My first kiss was with ________ Silvia What is your favorite vacation getaway? The Caribbean In high school I was ________ Young What TV show would you want to guest-star on? None, I want my own syndicated show!! You've met someone online, where do you go for the first date? Never Happened to me Trophy wife/husband or Bowling Trophy? None What is your favorite family tradition? All of them Power corrupts, absolute power ________________ There is no god and evil Harry, Only Power and those afraid to seek it DVD or TIVO? DVD Who is the sexiest baby boomer today? Who cares? Just say __________ What?? Favorite room in your house? my LR Global warming is ________. Here....Deal with it. If you're single, what is the best place to meet new people? Bar/Restaurant. Seems that people need to be static to be approached 4 members of your Dream Band? Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, Jaco Pastorius, Bill Brufford I believe in... God and in me. Coffee, tea or…… (Real English) English Breakfast Tea, Real Italian Expresso Favorite recently read book? Bulgakov Master and Margarita, A New Earth, The Power of Kabbalah What's a children's book you can't throw out? The Harry Potter Series Give a man a free hand and he'll________________ will have 3 hands Favorite private eye or detective? Simon Templar, 007, Inspector Morse, Sam Spade, Jane Tennison, Tom Barnaby- Inspector Lewis Which character are you on Gilligan's Island? None What's your best excuse to get out of something? Depends on the circumstance of each excuse. Favorite movie ending? One of them ...Usual Suspects.... My least favorite household chore is___________ Ironing....Laundry Whole Wheat or White? White French Baguete Your life story in 6 words Light, Ego, learn, Love, Transform, will pass on What word can you not pronounce? Not only I cannot pronounce it but I cannot Think of it either Best road trip ever? Amalfi coast.... Cote D'azure The first word you think of when we say...Richard Nixon Crook, Spying, Cheat Your life is a movie, which one? Mostly .....8 ½ Contacts or glasses? None I hope. Who do you want to drunk dial? If I were drunk, It would have to be a preset number in smart phone. If you could live one decade over, which would it be? College years. The dictator you most love to hate? George W Bush.... What's your favorite flower? I like them as a group. I am afraid they'd be offended If I chose only one What’s the biggest fear you’ve confronted? Death of a loved one. Favorite game show? None Oprah or Martha……… OH Please....!!!!! In 10 years, I’ll be:………… early 50’s How would you like to die? Being unconscious of it.......I am not afreaid to die, I just don’t want to be present when it happens….. I collect _______ Nothing really except some dust on Furniture for a while. What’s rocking your world these days? Old Smashing Pumpkins songs and The Raconteurs If you can't sleep what do you do? This. 3 things in your house you need to get rid of: My college books, my tv and my old floppy discs. What's your worst eco-sin? Long Showers Celebrity death that hit you the hardest? John Lennon by far. The older I get, the more I _____________ know.....that I am getting older....and the more I ...... If you were a candy bar, you’d be _________ an enjoyable one RV or Porsche? Volvo P1800 Favorite tree? That one. Bush I or Bush II? Bush NONE....Ferme la Bush!!! I always wanted to live _______ in peace with my conscience. What can you do that nobody else can do? Be as adorable Your favorite dating sites? None Flat Screen TV or World Peace? Stupid question Fox News or Lehrer Newshour? The Daily show with John Steward. Last time you had a great laugh? sometime this past week Boxers or briefs? My boys need support Jerry....!!!!!!! The first word you think of when we say...Bill Clinton Great President...I voted you twice.. Favorite stupid movie? Blades of Glory...There are many. What do you wish your neighbors didn’t do? Live next door If you were a pair of shoes, what kind would you be? An unused one. Winnebago or Airstream? No Way!!! A walk in SOHO...or East Village, Williamsburg What New Year’s resolution have you blown? The same on every year. If you are a brand – what's your tagline? Dry clean only!! What would your clown name be? It is Tony……...!!! What should you do on a second date? Show up! If you were an animal, which would you be? Oh come on..!!!! A lion of course...!! Three words that sum you up? Soul, Certainty, Peace....Sure right!!!... Well I am trying!!!!! Worst vice or habit? Only one??!! Favorite place to be barefoot? my apartment Sailboat or motorboat? The one thing better than a boat is a friend who owns a boat! Songs you sing in the shower or car? I change my repertoire very often....Not that predictable!!! What's your car's na me? Peter What advice would you give a younger version of you? It could be worse....It could be raining...!!!!!!!!!!! Hey Listen, I went back and re-read what I wrote to you and although as I was writing it I feel it was smart ass funny, I immediately realize that it was really dumb. I’m Sorry. Trying to correct my wrongs….and dismantling this profile ASAP since it does not do anything for people….!!! Good luck in life….

Pencil me in?

......You look lovely...!!!! would you pencil me in for the next 45 years??!! Daniel Optimista, soñador, De buen corazon, en busca de sonrisas, de amor, de pasion, de despertarse en el medio de la noche y hacer el amor ...(de nuevo!!)...y de compartir el aire que respiramos, el amor que damos, las lagrimas que derramamos.....Ese es un poquito de mi...Y tu...??!!!!!????

The sloucher

Little kiddy Oath to my slouching…!!!! The sloucher In the middle, between where I am and where I want to be, Neither sitting, nor lying down, there is ME, The Sloucher. My vision field is lower than my eyes, My shoulders want to deform My arse yearns to slide forwards. And my spine does not want to perform Love to melt in my surroundings Be one with the relaxed drive-less me I love hiding in the midway of life Where no one can uncover my identity I slouch for as a hobby I slouch for a while I slouch for my own comfort I slouch, it’s my right Don’t care about posture, which is bent as a road Don’t care about standing up Erect for where I need to go I dissolve in my chair I am one with the anxious me I get to hide in the cozy lair Where no one can expose me My Osteopath??!! …I listen NOT Since in my slouching there is some quest Though in my back the pain is caught My slouching is a way to protest I slouch for as a hobby I slouch for a while I slouch for my own comfort I slouch, it’s my right ACD 09.16.08