The three old ladies that walk in a Triangle

The three old ladies who walk in a triangle As I saw them again that afternoon, I knew I had to write about them. They definitely deserve a place in this my reality corner. I don’t quite know them, never did. I would not know who they are, who they were?? Quite some time has, indeed, passed form those days in the fall of the early 1992 in Flushing Meadows Park, and don’t know if they are still alive, but I will try to write about them as if it were now…. The first thought as I saw them was that of the song from Genesis called for Absent Friends, Sundays at six when they close both the gates A widowed pair, Still sitting there, Wonder if they're late for church And it's cold, so they fasten their coats And cross the grass, they're always last. Passing by the padlocked swings, The roundabout still turning,……… ……Looking back at days of four instead of two. Years seem so few (four instead of two). Heads bent in prayer For friends not there……….. They were Three, instead of two, and they were perhaps not that melancholic as in the song, but I immediately knew there was some sort of story somewhere there. Each of them had, or have had a life with families, jobs, ex-bosses, neighbors, friends. I tried to guess what their relationship was. Had they friends for a long time? Were they ex-schoolmates, Sunday school, Yeshiva School, college? Did they all attend the same Senior Citizen Center? Did they play cards together? Or where they just neighbors on the same apartment building? Well Let’s start assuming and assigning a story, a legend, a reality to these real people who inhabited my world. So, for this story, let’s call them (Ruth) No.1, (Judith) No.2 and (Rachel) No.3 who were neighbors and attended the same community center for Seniors. Let’s call it “The Samuel Levy’s Center of Forest Hills” where 1, 2 and 3 attended and were offered recreational activities as book clubs, had “chats” with friends, classes about diets, and healthcare, brainwork Sessions, painting, Movie matinee, Bingo, “Hot Topics, with Jake” get togethers, Cozy Corner pass times as knitting, needle-pointing and crocheting (Whatever these are!!), as well as folk dances with Honey Goldfein. Ruth, No.1 was a mid-height, short blondish hair. White and large floral print blouse over light gray short Bermuda pants and white snickers Judith, No.2 was the tallest of the group. With short white hair, lavender blouse over tan shorts and white snickers as well. She towers over her two companions. Rachel, No.3 was the shortest of the trio. With her curly dyed bright brown hair and giant sun glasses that were too big for her skinny face, she stands not taller than 5’-1” in her dark gray and white jump suit, as she scurries fast with her short legs to catch up with her companions They were very committed, as every afternoon at 5:00 PM on this park’s power-walk (relatively speaking) to stay fit and to stay well perhaps, but more importantly, to be together, or to do something to pass the time, one never knows. Judith and Ruth were talking about something as they passed and Rachel looked at me as if she knew me, and as if she knew or guessed what I was thinking and seeing….She smiled as immediately sensed or knew that I was really, really good seeing patterns……. PAST BACKGROUND Scenario ONE: Ruth had always had an ambivalent feeling about her relationship with Judith. Ever since they were young, not because of anything in particular that Judith had done, but because she felt both a deep love and jealousy for her friend. Judith was always the first to be invited to birthday parties, and other get together events, she was always the one that was asked out, no matter how many other girls were in the group, even when a new boy would appear on the scene, Judith was always the target of everyone’s affections or infatuations, and Ruth was not an exception to this. She had always been sort of in love with Judith, not necessarily in a sexual way, but in a way where she wished she was Judith’s only friend, or if she could be more like Judith, like a closer equal to her. Ruth loved her and would do anything for her, but she also wrestled with her demons about trying to trash in a way or to ruin in some way the perfection, “or her idea of”, that always seemed to be part of Judith’s life. It was not that Judith did not work hard for her achievements, not at all. She was even now going back to college at NYU to finish her masters, something that Ruth could not fathom doing at this stage in her life. But things always came to Judith in the first shot. Life always seemed to smile to Judith. Ruth on the other hand had not a difficult life by any means, but everything she got was not necessarily what she wanted, or how she wanted to be. If it was the right guy, or job, or opportunity, in her life, it was the wrong time, and vice versa. Judith and Ruth got along well though most of the time, just like any other good friendship. Ruth would hide her jealousy and camouflage it with either complements or jokes, bud deep inside she was adding a little stone to her emotional knapsack which she carried in silence. This all spoke more of Ruth’s shortcomings in terms of her self-esteem than of the reality of the situation, as Judith was really clear and transparent. You got what you saw with her. “Why do you always have to be an angel!?” Ruth would tell her all the time, “Judith, You don’t have a crooked bone in your body!!” Throughout childhood and early adulthood, they have been as they considered themselves, best friends. The other girls of the group, were a bit jealous of their friendship, except for Rachel, who was allowed in the inner sanctum of their relationship and as the third prong on an electrical cord, and like the ground may not seem terribly important it is a feature that could save one’s life, but does it always?! Rachel was quiet and smart. She was a genius in math and sciences, with a great ability to do mental figures, and as a young adult, with a new ability to see patterns. She was not a striking beauty like Judith, nor a traditionally good-looking girl like Ruth was, but she attractive in her own way, a nerdy way. She had no shortness of boys going after her, but they were not probably the ones considered “the hunks” that would go for Judith, and maybe for Ruth, but she did not care about them or about that, which made her even more attractive. One could almost say that she marched to the rhythm of her own drum. She never seemed to be down by anything, though she did not exude self- confidence, she was never bothered by whatever the outcome of things would be. Although not romantically, even “the hunks” would talk to her, or even be very friendly with her, perhaps because she had no apparent expectation of any romantic involvement with them. She was friend with mostly everyone, and even counted with Ronnie Berger as one close friend, perhaps because of their relationship through Judith at the beginning, but Ronnie really appreciated Rachel’s friendship and that together with Judith’s friendship carried a lot of weight in her school days as she was considered to be in the upper echelons of the group. ----------------------- Ruth always thought that she had a stronger personality who could deal with things head on, more than her friend could. Ruth was made of a different stuff. She had judgement in her, and was not as tolerant of things or people, and she was getting more so, she noticed, as the years were going by, but there is nothing you can do. You cannot fight your nature, she thought. She did not understand that perhaps, this was the reason why things did not ever come her way the way she wanted. It is incredible how forces, negative or positive, seem to always attract more of the same, and it is like he who does not like soup, gets two cups instead of one. -------------------------- Judith was smart, and always bubbly, and a maybe bit silly at times, but she was sweet, and she was caring. She was always the prettiest of all of the girls in the group. Since they were about 12 years old, boys were always salivating about her, particularly the more handsome boys like Ronnie Berger and his friends from school. If Judith ever knew or notice this, she never paid much attention to it. Judith was a natural beauty, one of those girls who is not into looking good, and never took her power over boys, or herself for that matter very seriously. She was a sweet caring person who would always look to help or support someone, particularly her friends and specially her best friend Ruth. Ruth had been pregnant with Judith’s husband’s child. It was a moment of craziness. Ruth always was the second choice to all the boys and it had felt good for once to be desired by Ronnie, someone who had not only picked Judith first, but someone whom she had married, and now this man wanted her more than he wanted Judith. For the first time she felt great, she felt more desirable than ever, more than her friend now and this had developed into a crazy secret “one off”, which rapidly became a secret affair, which suddenly terminated in Ruth’s pregnancy and the subsequent rupture of the affair, as a result of that pregnancy, followed by the untimely accident that would claim Ronnie’s young and promising life. Judith never knew who the father of Ruth’s child was, but she always felt drawn to that child. (There was something so familiar to him) Ronnie felt he had never done enough for himself. Two years after he had married Judith, he felt the same way, he thought he deserve better as he had always done what was expected of him. He had the looks, and mostly charming and this along had gotten him through life. He was smart even though he had not always applied it to the level that he knew he should have. He was supposed to be successful, and happy. Everyone knew that. He dated and married the best looking and sweetest girl in his circle, and mostly everyone envied him. They were like celebrities in their circle. He was trapped in this loop where he did not feel he was the cause of his life but he was more like the reaction, his actions needed to be the expectation of everyone single person in his life else expected his own. It was not that he did not have himself those self-expectations, but he just felt constricted and somewhat suffocated at this point of his life, knowing what was to come in terms of career, children, obligations, etc, which he wanted for himself, but he also wanted and just simply needed to create this little space for himself, an tinny island, with a life where he could go to, something like a personal weekend house, or a summer home where (just) he can spend some time away from the bustle and hustle of being Ronnie. And along came Ruth one drizzly grey late summer afternoon right outside the Museum of Natural History, as if by chance he saw her coming. “What are you doing here?” A supposed chanced encounter, a coffee, a chat, an unintentional smile, an intended concealed flirty statement, concealed in a self-deprecating statement, a complement dressed in a refusal to accept such self-deprecating comment from the other person, an immediate plan about attending an event in the upcoming week, Ruth had moved to W 81st and Columbus, Ronnie walked her home …. … Well. That’s how it always starts. That is how this started. He worked on W72nd Street and Broadway and would have to schlep himself back to Continental Ave. in Forest Hills every evening, back home. It was so easy to pass by W81t Street almost every evening to hang out in that little island that he had always imagined before he would go back to his daily kingdom!!! How nice and fine it felt!! The novelty became familiarity and then a true feeling. The rules and barriers in these situations are designed by fools who think they are fooling others instead of only themselves. When the sparks hit close to the volatile surface, ignition is imminent, and every fire is revived and engrossed by the things it burns, consuming everything it touches, heating it until it falls into the hot flame which it will feed, and when there could be no more fuel it will self-consume. “I am pregnant”, Ruth told Ronnie with a vibrant smile, concealed by the worry of how he was going to take it. He felt the air drained out of his lungs. He was filled with the anxiety and fear of knowing how to deal with this moment. “Should they go ahead with this? Should they terminate this pregnancy? Should they take a time off to think? “ “What is the right thing??!”” He always had to and had done “the right thing”. All of the sudden the little paradise island that they had manufactured by them, his safe heaven had become annexed to his “Quotidian-Kingdome”, has become part of all that which was expected of him. Well, he will have to handle it, but how? How can he handle it without hurting anyone? That is the right thing to do. He loved Judith, he had made her his wife and he had expected a happy life together. She had no to blame in the situation he made for himself. She had been nothing but loving, understanding and helpful to give him his space, which he took and corrupted. It was not about what she had or had not done for him, but more of a what he did not have enough of in himself to be able to be fully happy about everything that life had given him. He knew he had been privileged to even having Judith in his life. She had everything and she was truly blessed. But she did not have him fully, regardless of the wedding vows he took. “I fucked it all up!!”, he said to himself. On the other hand, his relationship with Ruth had started originally like a circuit breaker. It had help him stop from burning himself in the beginning to end up as an inverter transformer that was now close to burning all the circuitry it touched. But in all fairness, she was not to blame either for his decisions or lack of. She had been mostly supportive of him, though she mainly wanted him for herself, in her life, and she often put pressure to move their relationship forwards, though not knowing how nor where to take it. Now she found herself as well in this mess, which he was sure she did not know what to do. She was expecting his child. Did she really wanted to have this baby? Would she have it removed? Should he suggest it? He knew it was not the right thing at this moment for any of them but how could he even suggest that to her? This was a royal mess. He felt bad for her as he intuited that deep down she probably would want to have this baby as he knew how she felt, but he also knew that she was also wrestling with her demons and her guilt. As we all know or should know, no good, free decision could come out of a place of guilt. It is always tainted by the feeling that deep down you’d rather have done something else. Guilt, like revenge never really pays off. But guilt, unnoticed or uncontrolled, can drive one to create situations that can mark our destiny forever. In an effort to think things well and over, Ronnie and Ruth stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks. At the same time Ronnie and Judith were going to spend a week at Cleves Point Village Condominium is Greenport Long Island, where they had rented a house by the beach to spend some time together resting by the beach. It had been more than 6 months that they had not done anything like this. She had been going back to school for her masters. He was working lots of overtime as he always did during and sometime after tax-season with all these new laws so it was the right thing to do together. Judith was going to go ahead the Friday during the day. Ronnie would follow on Saturday morning as he had a business dinner with these clients from out of town. Judith thought she should wait for him and go together on Saturday. Ronnie thought that it would be good if she went ahead and got things ready. Ronnie never made it to Greenport. As he was riding along the LIE right after the exit to Hauppauge, LI, a wheel came off of the left side of the rear of a freight truck riding at 70 miles an hour, it hit Ronnie’s windshield as he was riding at 80 miles an hour causing Ronnie to step on the breaks, and being rammed through a 4x4 causing his car to flip by and to exit his life and this world in an unexpected way. -------------------------- Judith was distraught. Her life went from being the Queen of the Prom, to being the most pitied person in the group. She went through a period of a couple of years of depression. She took a sabbatical from school and she moved back to her parent’s house in Queens. She did not leave the house in about 6 months and lost touch with most of her friends who stopped calling from a daily basis to silence. Her grieving went through the different stages until the pain became bearable and she could slowly start rebuilding her life, finishing her master and reconnecting with some of the people she knew and some other new people that came into her life. -------------------------- Ruth heard about Ronnie’s accident almost immediately as the news travelled really fast among all the friends and acquaintances. Her first reaction was to call Judith, but she did not know what to say. She was angry, she was really pissed at God, at her whole life, at everyone, and particularly to Ronnie, and by default, to Judith. But Why? Why did she feel angry at Judith? She was mourning the loss of her husband, like she herself was mourning the loss of the father of her child, and possibly her potential companion for the rest of her days. Neither of them knew what would have happened prior to Ronnie’s accident. Was Ronnie ready to leave Judith? Did he have the guts to make the decisions he needed to do to go for a new life with her? In their island, with their new baby? Creating a new life and a new world for themselves? She thought so, but she also feared that Judith had a hold on Ronnie that was almost unbreakable. This was the cause for her anger towards Judith. She could not help it. She had distanced herself from Judith during the last year, mostly because of guilt but also because of her not wanting to have to lie to her with the excuse that she had moved into Manhattan, and Judith was still in Forest Hills, and that Judith was still in school and the schedules never lined up. But now she was pregnant and she would have to tell her someday about it, not necessarily about the truth of the parenting of the baby, but that she was pregnant. She also knew that Judith was a wonderful human being and that she would always have her love and support, well perhaps not if she knew the whole truth. So, she decided her secret would go to her grave as Ronnie had gone to his, but she would have this baby and all that represented to her. She loved the father of this new soul and she had nothing to apologize for this. Her feelings were maybe not totally pure but strong. -------------------------- Rachel did not need to hear about the accident, as she saw the accident as she was driving in her car a few hundred feet behind that of Ronnie’s when the tragedy occurred. In fact, they had just left each other at the door of a Giordano’s of in Hauppauge, LI. With no one else to open-up about his troubles, Ronnie turned to Rachel, whom he thought could help him put things in perspective. “Thanks for meeting me” Said Ronnie “Not a problem. It is just a few blocks from my office anyway and I love the Cheese Ravioli that they make here. They are knee bending”. After a back and forth of light banter and generalities, Rachel asked: “So you are way deep in shit right now aren’t you?” She was apparently really good at seeing not only geometric patterns but also behavioral patterns. “what do you mean? What do you know?” “You’ve spoken to Ruth, what do you know?” “I am not sure I know all the details but you probably went past the point of no return, right? “Oh Rachel!! I am so devastated, I really fucked everything up. It was not my intention and I do not know how it all ended up like this. I thought I could control things, that I could stop them before they got out of control. It all started from a moment of weakness, my weakness. I’ve always been able to stop things, it was always a bit of a game. This time though I felt how Adam must have felt in paradise, having everything, he just wanted that apple that he could not have, that fucking apple that he always knew that he could have if he wanted her. I always seen how Ruth looked at me. Her gaze will over extend that extra split second, that extra tiny moment which is long enough for you to read a book on the subject. I knew that this could happen but I was counting on my and her restrain, and in the thought of Judith, whom we both love, but that restrained never happened, it never showed up. I was happy and excited that I can still pickup and conquer someone at will. My ego was flying really high, as my assumptions had been confirmed, as I knew I was right about hi she had fantasized about me all this time. This felt good, and also new in a way. I had thought about it but Judith’s image came to me, and I would evaluate in the back of my head whom I would rather have and the answer was always Judith as it has always been.” “So what happened this time that was different than other times and other people” Asked Rachel. “ It started perhaps the same way as it always starts, but somehow, I saw some vulnerability in Ruth, beyond that strong persona, beyond that capable and driven person that was asking for help, for her soul to be touched in a way that she had not been before. She seemed defenseless, and lost, as if she had always been waiting for me”. I know that she always loved me, truly loved me, and I was not he apple like she was mine, I was her objective, something that would totally bring peace, and maybe validation to her existence.” “yes what started as a game on my part never had a chance as such. It immediately turned into a burning need, sort of familial, to be together and be together.” “And then?” Asked Rachel. “And then there was Judith” She would pop in and out of this relationship, punctuating our moments of lust, and tenderness, with a sign of guilt. The guilt of doing something terrible to the person in the planet that would deserve it the least, to the one that would probably even comprehend what was happening to me, to me, to Ruth, to all of us”. “I thought of Judith, and of Judith’s role in this as well, because in any relationship there are multiple parts and multiple amounts of responsibility for the actions and decisions made, or not made.” “How can Judith have any blame on this? Rachel asked about her friend. “I can see that if there was something not working in your relationship, if you have been together since you were young, maybe too young, if there was something that you have brought up and she refused to address, or help you with, if you have stopped loving her and you needed a break, you told her, and that she was in the loop and not done something to make this work, then I could see it, but..” “It is not something that linear or plain to see” Ronnie said. “Judith is perfect, her life maybe not in her eyes, but in the eyes of other people is perfect as well, and she expects that same perfection from you. She cannot understand why you would not or could not expect that perfection from yourself. She sets that bar so damn high that it is almost impossible to do, as it is to not do what she expects from you.” He thought a second and then he said:” And you do it, or you try to do it most of the time, because she is such a perfect being that you cannot and do not want to have her disappointed at you, on more importantly, at herself, for having a too high, or too unrealistic expectation from you” She couldn’t understand it, because she would always only function at a 100% no less“. This is the world of perfection that we lived in, the one people don’t know about but that they idealize as they envy her. And even Ruth, I think, who knew this and she knew Judith too well, even she envied her, somehow “. Living with her, with the pressure of always being perfect for her is a very tall order, I found in the worst way”. “So what’s the story, is Ruth pregnant or something?” Rachel guessed. “It is incredible that you don’t miss much!”. “ Is it that evident that we were even seeing each other?? And that What gave you the clue that she is pregnant? Do you think anyone else knows? Do you think that Judith knows or suspects it?” Ronnie said in panic. “I don’t think it was too obvious, but I could notice a change in Ruth these last six months and particularly these last two months. She has a more open attitude. I don’t know, she has a little bounce on her step. She even asked me to meet her for lunch just the two of us, or to grab dinner together for the last couple of weeks. She would never have asked me alone without asking Judith as well. I figure something was up, and it just made sense to me. I also always knew in a way how she felt about you. I imagine only how she would feel knowing that you and Judith have always been an item. I felt bad for her, but I feel worse for Judith. She does not deserve the pain she will be inflicted by all this!”. And like that, Ronnie felt like the rest of his world had also just fully collapsed. Like the last piece of ice of an iceberg melting in a warm see water. He was not sure what he was expecting to hear from Rachel, that he did not actually hear but his mood changed. He felt a deep pain in his heart, and he felt his stomach tightening and closing up. Fortunately, the check came and it was time to go. He knew he had to talk to Judith. He knew the kind of pain he would inflict to Judith. He did not know if he could live with the outcome of a conversation with Judith. He could not see into her eyes the disappointment and heartache that this would cause her. A little too late in the game for thinking this way but if he couldn’t help having this late remorse attack. On the other side in his head, the image of Ruth came out to his mind. He remembered the happiness of being with her at first, then he saw her crying as he tried to console her, and he also saw her holding her baby and smiling, his baby. He never imagined himself in this situation, but he had to face the facts. He knew that he loved Ruth in some way, but was not really, really sure if he ever thought he wanted to make a life with her. Although he knew her since middle school, he had known her as a lover, not really known her enough as a partner, or as the person whom he would be with, and for whom he would leave everything that he had to start a new life. How compatible were they anyway? From all the passion and everything else that framed their love affair, to be expecting this baby now, what was to be his cradle of peace and understanding it now seemed like a wood burning oven where there was not air for his lungs. Even if he could leave Judith, how would it all be? He would have to leave everything and everyone behind and start anew with his baby. There were no right decisions to be made. He would hurt either one of them and the baby? And what about the baby? How did he really feel himself about this? He knew that the thought of having a baby was a wonderful thing, but in having this baby, he felt that he did not have the proper divine authorization to enjoy that wonderful feeling. It was as if this baby had been cursed with the feeling of guilt. What would be of this baby’s life if he was already condemning him to feeling guilty for existing and for undoing his father’s life? “Ronn, are you OK?” Asked her Rachel. He glazed over her and said: “Yes, there is a little thinking and a lot to come clear with” “Bye Rachel, thanks for listening” And he walked out into the parking lot. Rachel followed a stem behind him as she always seemed to be catching up wit people. “Bye Ronnie. I feel bad for you. I hope you get the strength to do what is best for everyone” and he left. She had a very bad feeling forming in the back of her mind. She felt that something was not right and wanted to stop Ronnie and talk to him a bit more, and try to calm him and reassure him if possible that things have a way to fall into place, that no matter how complicated things appear, there is always a spiritual string that God or who knows who, can pull. What the hell was wrong with her? She could have been more compassionate with him, with his situation. He was suffering and in essence, he was carrying the weight of the world in his back at this right moment. she had missed the opportunity and wanted to stop him, but he just took off in his car fast out of the parking lot. She tried running into her car and follow him, and she did, but she was not as fast or as good a driver to reach him but she would try to reach him and beep her horn and have him pull over and stop and talk a bit more, to tell him that it is OK, that nothing in this world is more important than being alive. That everything has purpose. That their lives is so much richer just because he was around them. then she did not Scenario TWO Ruth has always taken especial good care of Judith, ever since they were young, not because Judith needed it, but because she felt some sort of a moral obligation to do so. Ruth always thought that she had a stronger personality who could deal with things head on, more than her friend could, so she always took a protective attitude towards Judith (TO BE CONTINUED) ACD 10/25/22